There are no words to really explain how I am feeling. I guess you could say that fear and complete turmoil in my mind are the only things that have been happening to me.
The fact that I will never be able to see Oliver smile for the first time or to even feel soft skin cuddled up in my arms makes my heart break beyond imagination.
There is no one to blame for this illness that Oliver has endured its just how it goes the luck of the draw but tell that to my aching heart which is forever breaking and my body feels like its constantly crying.
I wanted to scream at someone shout out why me why my baby why why why but I cant as there is no one that can answer this for me.
I wanted to sit in a church because I felt I was playing god so therefore I should be able to sit in that church and at least feel something but even that would not help me.
But Oliver is still my baby I love my child and even though Oliver will never know me or I Oliver no one can take away Olivers beauty of laying in my womb and his little flutterby movements.
I have been blessed with spending a short time with Oliver and Oliver will be looked after I am sure by those I have lost in my life. I really hope that my nanny will be waiting like I always remember her and maybe call my child ducky like she always called me.
This has changed my life completely and I have realised life is to short for petty arguments and anger so Oliver has done me some good in his short life of being here.
Oliver has taught me forgiveness and understanding how did he do that? I must have a very special child that could turn my world around in such a short space of time .
I also wanted to say that it does not matter how old your children are or what people they have turned into good or bad just feel proud that your child was able to take that first breath of life so count your blessings as you have been blessed